The Toad Blog

For anyone who has dealings with mental health you will know where im coming from, for those who dont then you will get an insight into living with someone who has a serious personality disorder.

today was the first day back after easter, well my first day at work anyway. Id left at 7am as usual and gone off to the office. I didnt hear from Emma until about 10-10.30am so she’d had a nice long layin. It was the first early morning after all! I was due to be in meetings all day but they hadnt started yet so i spoke to her and talked about what she was going to do with herself today. Everything was all ok - no problems. Meeting a frend for lunch and then back home to try and finish the book she had been avidly reading. All good I thought - nothing to go wrong. Oh well…

It all started at about 3.50pm when i spoke to the Toad, she sounded all sleepy and getting stressed. Its time for your nap i said - the Toad agreed but wanted to sing a song with me before going. I was smiling as we sang “You are small, you are cute, you are never ever mute and i love you very much” Off the Toad toddled for a little sleep. I finished work at 5pm and started to make my way home, traffic was crap on the M25 and it was taking forever. I hadnt heard from the little Toad by 5.20pm so i dropped her a txt to say “call me when you wake up xxx”.

When i heard from the Toad a short while later things didnt look so good. Her voice was all stressed, and she didnt sound very happy. I could tell things were so good at home - this worries me silly as im over an hour away and cant get home to help her. Its really worrying - what are you supposed to do? Anyway, she sounded ok and we talked about nothing in particular for a while until the Toad said that she was still tired and wanted to go back to bed. I laughed - of course you can I said, and i didnt hear from her again for a while.

When the Toad next called she sounded even worse than before, this time there was anger in her voice. Oh no poorlies again! I made myself stay came and talk to her in a nice voice - she hung up on me because i wouldnt let her have slippers at the weekend. The Toad had decided that there werent any she wanted not that i told her she couldnt - unfortunatly there is no reasoning with a poorly Toad. I called back - no answer. I called back again - still no answer. I called back a third time and it went straight to voicemail - she’d turned her phone off! Now im really worried - whats going on? What is she doing? Is she alright? Is she going to self harm? What am i going to find when i get home? All these thoughts are running through my head and still im far from home.

I called again a while later and got through - well i did for 30 seconds until she hung up on me again. Im evil and hateful now apparently - how can i have been evil and hateful when i havent even spoken to her? I call back to try and tell her that i love her and that things will be ok. It just rings out, this happens a couple of more times as i try desperately to get hold of the Toad. All the time im getting closer to home and im just worrying about the night and whats going to happen. Is she going to shout? Is she going to try and run away? What is going to happen? I just dont know…

I finally get home after having a few more brief coversations with the Toad, all of which end with the phone being hung up. I come in to find a ripped up newspaper in the middle of the living room floor. Theres something sweet smelling and sticky on it - no idea what it is and the Toad isnt forthcoming. “You dont need to know” and “its nothing” are the answers i get. I put all the bits of ripped up paper into a bin bag and go into the kitchen to see what else has been happening. There are an awful lot of glasses by the sink and some smell of alcohol - oh no not this again. I look under the sink, the usual place she hides it. A 2 litre bottle of cider - the Toads weapon of choice. Not much gone from it there must have been more but i can find any hint of it.

I confront her with the bottle - foul language and abuse is my reply. I put the bottle down and go back into the hallway to get her cashcard. Alcohol means no cash card as thats how she buys it. I come back in to find the Toad pouring cider all over the living room rug and carpet. Why? I grab the bottle from her and put it down - she immediately goes for it again and starts tipping. I take it off her and head to the kitchen to get rid of whats left. The Toad follows - grabs the half full coffee pot and starts waving it around threatening to throw it on me. I grab the pot, my god its hot! and take it off her but not before its all over the worktop and floor. The Toad then crashes to the floor, her trick when she is poorly. Drop to the floor I can be hurt there - you cant be hurt? What about the rest of us?

I try to reason with her - doesnt work. I try to talk to her - more foul language and abuse back. While im in the living room trying to clean up the cider mess i keep having to check back and make sure she hasnt found something else to hurt herself with. At one point i take a mug off her - no idea what the intention with that was. I then hear the chink of china on the tiled floor. oh what now…

A cat bowl is upside down in the middle of the floor - why? Its the wet food one but there wasnt much in it. So i grab the kitchen roll and clean it up - to a torrent of foul language from the Toad. Off back to sorting out the now soaked carpet in the living room. I hear the sound of the bowl being picked up again, and walk back into the kitchen in time to see all the cats dry crunchies being thrown across the floor. This time i lose it and start screaming and shouting at her. I know i shouldnt, i know it doesnt help but sometimes i cant take anymore. I dont have the patience of a saint - it would help if i did i can tell you!

Anyway i drag the complaining Toad out of the kitchen to try and get to the mess to clean it up - not easy when she wont be touched and is trying to kick and hit anything that comes in range. Luckily she heads for the nest - a sleep will do her good i think. With the Toad in the nest i can tackle the cleaning tasks. Hoover out for the cat food, scrubbing the floor for the cider. I dont know whats going to happen to the rug - it stinks of cider and is now drying in the 2nd bedroom - heres hoping it pulls through!

Once that was all done i then spent the next hour or so trying to calm the Toad down and get her to have some sleep, not easy when she is running on alcohol. She finally fell to sleep a short time again - her sleepy mubbled i love you making all of it not matter.

Its true what they say about love - you will do the strangest things for it. To those who think im silly for staying i have only one thing to say - you have no idea what your talking about. If your partner got cancer would you abandon them? I didnt think so - so dont you dare question me looking after the Toad. She has a diagnosed illness - if you dont understand thats your problem not ours. I love her and wouldnt be with anyone else, illness or no illness.

The Toad has the illness, it is something she suffers with. It is NOT all she is - there is a lot more to her than most will ever know - and thats their loss. I know how much she means to me and that is simply the world and everything in it.

Toadelf - I love you xxx